I got inspired

I got inspired ... it has been years since I've done it so don't groan too loud.


Words

Beauty in the words
Written by a stranger
Across the world
His world is far
Is he old?
Young?
Ugly?
It does not matter
It touched my soul
I like the words we can read
Not judged by sight,
One can see the beauty of the soul
It stirred my heart
And made me want to write



Enough?

You are always on mind
Continually in my thoughts
I just wish I could hear your voice
Do I do enough for you?
Do I love you enough?
I don’t want to come to you empty handed
I hear you all around
In the wind
The sun
The trees
I wish I could know you more
Love you more
Feel you more
Is it enough to love him and the children?
To think of you always?
To give you everything?
Is this the little way?
For it seems so small
And insignificant
That I am
Invisible.



Bien-aimé

In the dark
We lie
Silky skin to skin
Soft bed and warm sheets caress us
Friends, lovers
We are timeless
We cannot see the wrinkles
Or time worn grey
We see and touch
The heart
The peace
The acceptance of who we really are
We glimpse at heaven
And rest
Knowing all is the grace of God

The most AMAZING book!!

This is exciting! I bought this book and have fallen in love with it. I devoured it 2 Saturdays ago and am using it daily with the kids in their school work. In one afternoon I was able to memorize forwards and backwards in the proper order the 10 commandments, 7 sacraments, 7 capital sins,7 virtues, 9 beatitudes, 20 mysteries of the Rosary, 4 marks of the church, 4 last things, 5 precepts of the church, 6 sins against the Holy Spirit, 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit, the 12 fruits,7 corporal and 7 spiritual works of mercy, names of the 12 apostle, 46 books of the old testament and the 27 books of the new testament, 21 centuries of church history (1 significant person from each century)....whew, it sounds unbelievable but it is true and I am teaching this to the kids and use it for other things too, ie I taught my 10 year old the 3 territories and 10 provinces of Canada in about 10 minutes!! Everyone needs to have and use this book, it is incredible.... did you get that I am excited about this?? Ha ha... if you knew me and my struggle with remembering everything you'd understand!

Random thoughts

Man, it has been ages since I have posted. Life has been busy as usual but I just haven't made the time to get here. The days seem to blur by and I always feel as if I am not accomplishing all that I should. I also feel as if I haven`t much to say by the time I get here I am all talked out having had to deal with the kids all day long. School is going well for some but the 16 year old is like trying to push a wet noodle.... his only motivation is sleep,hockey or food, and I think in that order!

Its grey outside, cold and windy, rattling the house and the trees.... and it matches my mood.... barren and lifeless season, I really do not enjoy it. But I can not complain. We are safe and warm inside, I can hear the children laughing among themselves and the smell of just baked cookies still fills the house... soon I`ll start on dinner, I have so much to be thankful for. Another one of Guy`s patients is dying, one who doesn`t believe in God, he told her this afternoon that there is nothing left to do, just to keep her comfortable and that he would pray for her. It is a sad situation, I can not imagine knowing that I would die within days and not having Him to go to.

I have always found death strange, even when I was around it frequently in the ICU when I was working. Living, breathing people who were others`sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, mothers or fathers.... just go away... in an instant. Death is not fearful... it is quiet, usually. In most cases it is saddest for those of us left behind because it is usually a long stretch of time before we see the loved one again... but it is truly sad for the unbeliever, not to have that joy and hope of meeting face to face with the Beloved One.

Life is so full of different extremes, birth, death, living and dying. Paradigms all... sometimes it is hard to know what to think and what to do, I thank God that I can focus on knowing, loving and serving Him in my routine filled, somewhat boring daily life.

My Best Friend

It's almost lunch time... kids are working at their desks, Brian is doing puzzles and Ashlinn is chatting with him. The sky is blue and it is a crisp September day.... the frost is gone and it is a balmy 5 C .
Besides schooling this morning I have booked hotels for us to stay at during Ashlinn's out of town hockey tournaments during this season, quickly read my email and adjusted the agenda for the Alter Server's Team meeting tonight, planned dinner, did two loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, yelled at Eamon to get out of bed and then to get out of the shower, looked at prices and ways to get Owen home for Thanksgiving, it won't work due to time and money constraints, and started to plan menus for the kids for the next week and a half, as Guy and I are leaving on Wednesday. I'm tired already! Ha... well, it will be fun to get away for a bit. Guy has got a medical conference in Toronto and I'm going along. I'll spend time roaming T.O., while he is studying on Thursday and Friday and then we will visit Mom and Dad and other friends over the weekend, and after that, we are just going to drive the long, long way home and explore the Ottawa area maybe. The best part is going to be being with my best friend on those long drives. For us it is a way to reconnect, and a lot of our life changing decisions have been made on long drives. Guy always has said "the more we walk and talk, the better we know each other..." and that we have a "friendship that caught fire.." I told him the other night during our pillow talk that the best decisions I have ever made were for chosing to follow God, marrying him and having our children. We are blessed!

My blessing.

It was a fun day today, the sun was shining for once even though it was frosty and cold in the morning. After the kids had finished their school work they took out the playmobil toys and filled the family room full of little soldiers and farm animals and played all together. Laughter, giggles, and adjusted story lines filled the air. They cooperated and teased. Ashlinn and Brian decided to tickle Eamon the 16 year old. He lay among the toys, all 6'2" of him, with the 10 and 5 year old jumping all over him and laughed. It warmed my heart. I should have got them up to help sweep the floor or something.... but it did them and me good to let them play.

It is in those moments that I thank God for the blessings He has granted us in His mercy. I see glimpses of heaven in the happy voices, twinkling eyes and flushed smiling faces. "Love is kind, love is patient..." it is lovely to see that being lived out before one's eyes. I feel as if I have done the right thing in my life, marriage, children and home schooling. It was a good day and a blessed moment.

Choosing God

Well, it has been a hell of a couple of weeks.... I had some really difficult news and it has really caused grieving in my heart. Tears and prayers and the childish urge to "get away" from it all. While I was grieving the world itself was and is going through turmoil, Hurricane Ike...wars...sadly, the regular mess...

I heard on a radio program that "man wasn't born evil...it was usually just circumstances that drove them to do evil things.... " and it made me cringe and think.

The eternal question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" was in the news also.... and I thought some more.

When I have to face suffering of my own and the suffering of others, it is natural, I think, to want to fly away. We have to learn, though, to fly to Him. For God makes all the difference. The why...is often not for us to know. Sometimes people are innocent victims, sometimes disobedience and rebelliousness against Him leads to an opening where evil gets in and does harm.

Suffering is ugly, there is no way around it. Somehow we have to keep our eyes on God, even when we feel we are drowning. For me it always seems to come back to a choice. We have to choose Him, not to curse Him and it gets so tiring at times and overwhelming. I do use a trick or little habit... I have chosen to visualize Jesus in the sacred Host, I deliberately picture Him and chose to verbalize praise to Him when I am seriously struggling... with temptation, suffering or anything that is separating us. I think this might be how He turns the ugliness of suffering into something redemptive, something beautiful, an opportunity to pray for others and to love with His heart, even when it seems humanly impossible to forgive, even when we don't want to and thoughts of returning evil for evil enter our thoughts and minds.

That's why we have the saints, those that cheer us on, those who have suffered and passed through it. Those who chose to do good and not evil. Their examples of living life light up the path for me, they reflect His love to me. St. Maximilian Kolbe often comes to mind.

Somewhere in scripture it says that "we need to hold our thoughts captive." That has helped me over the last little while, when my thoughts start wandering where they should not go, or anger and resentment start to well up, I do that, "hold them captive," visualize Jesus and deliberately praise Him. He is such a comfort to me and like St. Peter said, He has the words of eternal life, where else would I go?

Dear Lord, keep me faithful to you and your teachings and never let me be parted from you. Teach me to see and love through your eyes.

Happy 13th Ronan!

Another one of my babies has entered the teen years. This one is an amazing young man. Loving, caring...smart too. He loves serving Mass, reading, math, science, hockey and flying...yes, flying. He wants to be a fighter pilot. He has already been gliding with the air cadet program and just finished up his first year. He won an award for the most enthusiastic cadet. He deserved it too. He works hard at it and anything else I need him for. Ronan is one of my greatest assets, he means the world to me and since he is still down south with cousin Connor, I miss him terribly. We love you, son, you always make us proud!

Feast Day of the Assumption of Our Lady

I was driving home from the "city" the other day, after dropping off cousin Connor and son Ronan to the airport, Connor returning home and Ronan going for a two week visit and camping trip, and as I drove along the forest-lined roads I was pondering how truly beautiful life is, the life that we are given. I felt overwhelmed. It literally made my chest and throat tight with emotion... and I realize how truly inadequate words are. The sky was filled with dark gray-white storm clouds, the sunset was reddening the sky in my rear-view mirror and tall, dark green jack pines, interspersed with gleaming silver birch trees, stood sentinel along the way. The occasional car passed us by filled with unknown souls on their own journey through life. Meg, Dara and their friend Marie were filling my ears and heart with songs from their MP3 player. After dropping off the boys we had gone to dinner and the movies together... a girl's evening...we saw the film "Mamma mia."
I have problems with it. There are some parts I liked.... the singing, Meryl Streep amazed me, Pierce Brosnan amused me, it was definitely funny in parts. But it made me uneasy, it is bawdy in its' visual humour, it is irritating in its homosexual references and it is very sad in its storyline.

Donna, the main character, has been promiscuous and had a child out of wedlock...the girl has grown up fatherless ("it sucks", she cries to her mother) and on the eve of her own wedding is trying to find out who her father really is...to no avail.... she doesn't find out, she doesn't get married, she decides to go off with the boyfriend and explore the world, (and risk, I presume an illegitimate pregnancy and so repeating her sad circumstances for the life of her child). Donna gets married to her first beau, that if she had waited for instead of going off and sleeping with some one else, she would have seen had come back for her and so at the end, supposedly, everything is fine and dandy.
Oh! some will say...it's just light entertainment...you are making too big a deal of it... the music is great and that makes up for it all. The music was great and there are a few times that it moved me to tears. Donna sings to her daughter of "growing up... waving good-bye", she sings to Sam(?) that the "winner takes it all" indicating that he won.... I found the lyrics very poignant. Overall, despite the music and the fun, the movie made me sad... sad for all the children who have not had a parent, for men and women who had given themselves totally to another outside the beautiful security of marriage.... for anyone one who does not feel, or sense or know that the "dream" that lies within all of us, that ache that longs to be filled can only be filled with God.
It seems to lie constantly before me that thought, that we need to be filled more and more with God, that everything we do and say, everything we do not do and say needs to be considered with Him in mind.
As I drove along, I felt so thankful for my husband and the gift of marriage that is our vocation in life. This man is truly a saint, everything he does and says reflects God, he always treats others as Jesus would treat them. He is beautiful. He is beautiful and I love him. He constantly calls me on to be a better person, woman, wife and mother. John-Paul II wrote of the "Theology of the Body" and on reading that we recognized what we were living.... and know what a grace it is and that all is God's mercy.
While seeing all that, I know how far short I fall... and how much I need to grow. I feel I can't waste any time, even though I do. Life is so short and fragile, we never know how much time is allotted to anyone. It is how I speak to my children, a kind word, a loving look, a happy smile, thoughtful discipline in the light of peer pressure from their friends...helping them stay the course, that will allow me to progress in holiness. Ha, Fr. Sean, will tell you how I dreamt of being a missionary and saving the world, with my own jeep of course! when I was young.... I have had to fight the need for recognition and do my missionary work in my own little domestic church. I wouldn't change it for anything else. I see how He teaches me, in the laundry, in the cooking and cleaning how much I can just praise Him. He is so good to me, to us. Our Lady is such a peaceful, obedient role model for me, for all I guess, and on this her feast day, I thank God for her example.

Yeah for St. Anthony!

Yahoo!!! Ronan found Owen's health card...in the top drawer where said child had sworn up and down that he had looked intensely!! Ha.... Well, I finished hemming and pressing pants and Owen is now all packed and ready to go.
I am just waiting for my love, so we can drive the hockey son to tryouts. It is nice, that Eamon, asks spontaneously to say the rosary on the way there. Thank God for His mercies.
Ashlinn is out at the lake with a friend, Dara has yet to arrive from babysitting... Meg will cook dinner for the gang. Ronan, cousin Connor and friend Ian are all trying madly to take over the world in an Axis and Allied game...and Brian is whining that he is never allowed play anything and on discovering Eamon's bag of Dorito chips, wants them all...sigh...it's always an adventure. He's here...gotta go!

I should be finishing the hemming of Owen's trousers... but I've paused. There is still a lot to do before he leaves tomorrow and I still can't find his health card. Please, St. Anthony, help me find it. I feel a bit disjointed or scattered in my thoughts and emotions. But it will all work out.
Summer is passing and we have had a few nice days of sunshine. Yesterday I took the younger kids out to a friend's sandpit, I know it sounds fascinating...not, but they love to run around through the streams and up the sandbanks. I took the dog with us just in case of bears as the blueberries are ripe at present, but didn't have to contend with that problem. In the afternoon, all of the kids except for Megs went bowling and then walked home. I had prepared supper for them as I had to leave with Eamon to go to his hockey tryouts.... I know, I know, mid-august and all that, but that's how it goes. He is actually too young for this team but he received permission to skate with them. (18 yrs old is the norm) He turned 16 in April and loves it, loves it, loves it. I am not sure he will make it but that too is in the Lord's hands. He is doing well and doesn't look out of place, which is amazing since he has only learned to skate and play in Aug. '05. It is a fast and exciting game, and Eam loves team play. Well, I had better get back to sewing and then get the lunch going. Ciao for now

Blessings and Mercy

Monco the monkey arrived home safely yesterday. Brian unfolded his little body from the light bulb box they had mailed him in and was ecstatic. He now joins Daddy-O on the bed and will rest until his next adventure. He did miss some action though. High on the ceiling of our front entrance there is a fan and light fixture. Brian was heard chuckling delightedly on Thursday past, he had taken kangaroo baby "joey" and was launching him into the spinning fan and watching him fly out the other side. This did keep the five year old entertained for a good half an hour. I mentioned to Brian that it might be rather a cruel game, he laughed and informed me that "Joey wasn't real and anyhow, Joey's parents, Mrs. Kanga and Huggsie Bear, had given him permission to do it!"

Speaking of parental permission, Owen (17), our oldest son, is leaving home next month. He is going out west to live with his Godfather and finish his high school and experience his uncle's new business. Business is what he thinks he may choose as a career. He has been home schooled to date but when this opportunity arrived we thought it might be a great experience for him, a touch of reality, since we as parents have entered the "realm of not-knowing anything." He is a good person and is growing into a fine young man, and I use "good" as defined as morally formed and right-acting. He is prayerful, close to God and trying to stand up and be "a man." He is restless at home.... hence the Godfather's impeccable timing . Knowing all this with my head and seeing the benefits, my heart still feels rather torn. We will miss him, his siblings will miss him.... the family dynamics are changing and as parents, Guy and I will start having to slowly let go of the "dream."

The "dream," being growing up, getting married and having a family, realizing that this all belongs to God, that we rely on Him for everything and that the sooner we understand that and abandon ourselves to His loving will the easier it will be. Owen is even more than usual "belonging" to God. He was an identical twin. We lost his brother, Gabriel, at 28 weeks of pregnancy and Owen was born in critical condition weighing 2lbs and fitting in the palm of our hands. With a lot of prayer and God's mercy, he survived and has grown up without any significant problems. That, I believe, is a huge underlying theme of my life, trusting in the good God, because all is due to His divine mercy. He has always been so good to us, we owe Him everything. Thank you, Lord.

Bionicles and the Big Picture

Ashlinn (10) climbed into bed with me this morning, spread her long hair across the pillow, her father had abandoned to go to work earlier, and spoke. "Mommm.....?" There I knew that the Holy Spirit was soon to be invoked.

She spoke of her frustration at her friend, from across the road, who seemed to be trying to outdo her, who worked at being "better", who spoke "meanly" to her quite frequently and now, to add insult to injury, who has convinced her father to buy her a new "Bionicle" each month. This Lego type toy is one that Ashlinn loves.... and why wouldn't we promise to buy Ashlinn the same...."They're not that expensive and I really, really, really want them and it's not fair that she (the friend) gets everything she wants just by asking!!!" I replied that it is true, life seems to be very unfair most of the time, but we have to try to see it with heaven's eyes.

I asked her to think of the big picture, and put index finger and thumb together to gauge the size of the Bionicles, and with the other hand drew the distance out of 5, 10, 20, 60 years from now. "Where will you be in 5 years from now." I asked and she replied that she would be doing her high school work and thinking about going on to be a vet, and that in 60 to 80 years from now that she would be in heaven. The relative size of the Bionicles was getting smaller. But she was still frustrated and groaned and slapped the bed. "But I still want them!!"

This is where the Holy Spirit came in. I told her that as human beings we are made up of body and soul, and it is easy to hear the body part of ourselves, "I'm hungry, I'm thirsty or tired or cold." The soul part of ourselves, the life of God within us, is harder to hear. It too can starve, that is why we pray, read the Bible and other holy books and go to Church and receive the sacraments, so that we can live and grow in holiness so that we can go to heaven. "So," she asked is, "my friend starving?" The friend and family go to a bible church, so I explained that the Catholic Church, like a basket, contained all the elements of salvation, and other churches were like smaller baskets and had only some of the elements needed. She got it.

I returned to the big picture and told her that all the little things she does to help out around the house or her siblings, all of these things are building treasures in heaven, and they are much bigger and more important than bionicles...and by praying more she can quiet the "shouts" of her body that "want, want want" and then will learn to hear better the whisperings of her soul, and its' longing for heaven. "I'm luckier than her, eh, Mom?" She slipped of the bed and padded to the door peacefully, "Love you." and was gone, off on her day. And I lay back and praised God for my beautiful children and the grace that He allows me.

Thank you, Lord.

DisOrdered Canada?

You know what? I think it is wrong that Canada awards the biggest abortionist the highest civilian medal, the Order of Canada..... it literally makes me sick. In the past I worked as an ICU nurse... managled bodies, pain and suffering...I've seen it all. How can people do this? In the face of such suffering, the babies, the women.... even those who are facing euthanasia.... I do look to heaven and wonder at His silence. But I know that it is not silence really.... I have a sense that He is holding back, waiting, hoping perhaps that in all this free will we would choose Him. Man, it makes me feel helpless and powerless. What can we do more? We support monetarily and go to the marches, we pray daily.... Guy has actually saved a few babies by talking with the pregnant mothers in his medical office.... we have offered to take them and even adopt their children if need be. It just never seems enough. Hear our prayers, oh Lord, and answer them.

And then in my heart of hearts I hear His voice telling me to be patient, that He is not ready yet, that the time is not now.... that death is not the last word.... that He loves and wants each life.... that, in my sorrow, is a comfort.

On Missing Monco and Meghan

Brian realized last evening, in bed, with sobs of anguish, that little Monco, his plush toy monkey was gone. Monco has followed him everywhere for the last few years. Brian is five and Monco is.... memory escapes me when he joined the family. He has had quite a few adventures since his arrival. Brian has tested out Monco's flying ability from the upper landing. He doesn't...but he does land in the artifical tree on the way down so we know he can climb. He can dry tears, sleep with Brian when he is not well, get squished up into a small ball, and has gone to Florida with us on vacation. This time he came with us to Smithville for my parents 50ieth. He was well behaved, watched Brian play soccer with his siblings and cousins, slept well at night and travelled well all the roundabout way back from Smithville to Trenton, where we dropped Ronan (12) off to Air Cadet camp and then on to North Bay. We couldn't drive anymore and slept overnight at a motel. Monco loves to sleep in motels, however he forgot to untangle himself from the covers in the morning and got left behind. I have made a call to the motel and they are mailing poor Monco home, he should be here in a day or two.

I explained this to Brian who listened carefully, sniffed significantly and sighed. "I will tell Daddy-O that he'll be home soon." (Daddy-O being Monco supposed larger father)

"That's great, sweetheart, now go to sleep." said I having resolved all the heartache.

"Noooo!" wailed he afresh, "I miss Meghan!!!!" Who, rightfully you ask, is she? She is his oldest sister who has returned to Smithville to drive her hockey crazy brother to hockey camp.... another story in its self. I talked with Brian about Jesus and the good angels and pleasing them and he dropped off to sleep.

Come home quick, Monco! Meg, too.

Fr. Sean Coyle mentioned my folks in his blog. They just celebrated 50 years of marriage and are an incredible example of love and faith in action. They have passed through so many experiences with trust in God and have relied on him for all of their lives. They have laid out footsteps cast in faith that have directed Guy's and my life, our marriage and our children's lives. There are not enough words to describe our love and respect for them. They are truly saintly people.

The celebration started with Holy Mass, followed by dinner and dancing and then a week at a northern cottage... it continues in the daily life of prayer, family and work.

I love you, thank you for all the love and prayers over the years...don't stop, there are miles to go before you sleep....